This article has its inspiration from another article written by a colleague of mine. I read what she writes about and often find many points of identification, which, when you write about mental health, is always a plus.
As I was reading through, it dawned on me that I still struggle with negative thoughts, self-sabotage and a vulnerability to invite ways of being stuck and or afraid.
I am not cured. In all honesty, anxiety and the poison parrot that I have created in the past, still exists today. I still spend copious amounts of energy to have a routine and maintain it.
I sometimes think of anxiety and depression as an addiction. It makes me behave in ways that I don’t like but at times just can’t help myself. I fall into old traps and easily go to a place where a pot of rumination starts up and festers.
My current predicament is about my professional life or lack thereof. I have had some interviews that didn’t go my way and I find it disturbing that I still think about them and what I could have said differently.
I have established to myself that I am a good enough writer. I can write about different issues and in more than one language. That is a form of self-sabotage I no longer do.
However, my negative thoughts still find their way back to haunt me. It starts with a form of a rush, a need for quick results that are not happening and patience that is not there to calm me down. Then I factor in my current age ( I am in my 40s now) and suddenly I feel gutted and defeated.
This cycle has been bothering me for a while now because every day that passes is a day I could be doing something towards an enhancement of some sort.
This pressure cooker has made me clench my teeth, sleep fewer hours and change my moods. I feel the stress and I can say that I am tired.
This is what I do to pick myself up. I make an effort to envision the day when I finally get a job offer that provides what I need from it. I also look back at where I was and where I am now.
I do this whilst I am walking outside because moving around seems to help the suspension of disbelief. Slowly I calm down enough to realise that the mind that creates negative outcomes can also imagine positive ones.
That is the power of belief. I talk to myself and deconstruct this dark pattern because it is based on nothing besides what I put in it.
Such is anxiety, and sometimes there are simple things I can do to overcome it.
The point is, it doesn’t end. It is there and needs to be addressed so it can go away. For me, it is ongoing and if I get too comfortable it still can surprise me and take my tranquillity for a spin.