If you read any of my articles you know that I am a strong advocate of individual affirmation and responsibility.
People-Pleasing? Yeah, It’s A Big No!
It is my firm belief that we as individuals have the duty of using our skills as the ultimate resource for all that is possible. But overall our voice matters, our thoughts matter and we are the biggest validator of and to ourselves.
I won’t digress on the issue of asking for help, not because it is not important (it absolutely is!), but because the journey of self-empowerment is paramount to any and all recovery.
After doing some research into this topic it has become clear that people-pleasing is not something we are born with. Rather grown into. It is one of the consequences of living in an environment that doesn’t listen, but one that keeps telling us what is expected of us.
This environment is built by strict parenting with a poor flow of communication. Abusive siblings that demand a version of us in order to overcome rejection or even peers that are not real friends but mirrors of expected behaviours.
Out of fear (which is seldom a good conductor) we internalise these methods and behaviours in hopes of acceptance, peace and even reward on the completion of pleasing someone else.
For me, that is a no-no
It disempowers you and takes away your ability for self-affirmation and resourcefulness. I, for one, don’t enjoy feeling that get taken away from me.
Having a behaviour that is both constant and mechanized, makes us unaware of its roots and we may confuse it with our innate personality. It makes this particular issue a bit harder to observe.
However, if you find yourself agreeing with people that don’t have the same values, following what others tell you what to do or say, avoiding conflict all the time, apologizing without actually having done anything or putting others as a priority instead of yourself, then yes, you are a people pleaser but you don’t please yourself. You avoid your truths, turn down your voice with the risk of missing out on the journey of self-discovery.
Should you face every conflict or always put yourself first no matter what? Of course not. You are going to make mistakes in judgement whilst you are exercising this challenge of getting to know yourself. That is what is going on behind the scene. The more you do it, the more you know about yourself.
We are all unique even if we have many agreements, shared values and principles. I know that the courage needed to face ourselves and question our behaviours is high, nevertheless, I believe I owe it to myself to find out who I am. I won’t be able to do that if I keep pleasing everyone else around me.
Step up for yourself, you are worth it.