When The Dark Cloud Descends

Full disclosure, I haven’t been feeling good lately. I have fought and fought to get back to the place where I feel most comfortable, and it just isn’t working. There is a dark cloud filling my head and, in true British weather style, it isn’t letting the sun through any time soon.

This past week or so I have been in the state of mind that I hate the most. I have been feeling down, dejected, negative, hopeless, every generic description of low that you could think of. There is no particular reason for it, there never is with me, it just sneaks up. 

The worst part of it is this mindset used to be my default. When I was in my teens and early twenties, this was me, every day, moving through life doing what I had to do, not enjoying myself, not really ever being happy, not living. 

I always thought that my status quo was to be neutral at most in almost all situations, I thought that was just who I was. I realised it wasn’t about four years ago. I began to do more with my life, I travelled, I met the person I want to experience the rest of my life with, things were vibrant, loud, enthralling. That, for the most part, is how I have experienced life since then, until now. 

Maybe it feels worse this time around because I have experienced the ups. Maybe it feels worse because I am actively trying to fight against it this time and I feel like I’m losing. At the very least, I’m not making any active progress. The thing with trying to fight an overwhelming mentality is, slow progress feels like no progress. 

When you are fighting your own brain, it has the power to tell you anything it wants. I remember reading somewhere that mental illness is the only illness that convinces you you’re fine and I don’t think anything sums it up better. 

The rational part of my brain knows that I have no logical reason to feel this way right now, my life is comfortable, and I have people around me who love me.  but that just isn’t how mental health works. I know, from personal experience that I will get back to being relentlessly positive in a few days just as suddenly as I lost it. 

If you are feeling low, depressed, just in a bit of a funk and you can’t explain it. Don’t let yourself feel like a fraud, you are valid, your feelings are valid, regardless of your circumstances, and know that this will pass. It may pass by itself in time, it may require professional intervention with therapy or medication, but it will pass, it won’t be forever, keep on keeping on.

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