The tough part about having depression is the uncertainty it brings. Will today be a bad day? Will I smile and laugh tomorrow? Will I be happy a week from today?
Unfortunately, it can often feel like depression controls you rather than the other way around. So while I could try to lift myself up and indulge in self-care, it might not make any difference while I’m already in the throes of depression.
Some days, I don’t know what to do with myself. I change position a lot just for a distraction. I lie flat on the bed, staring at the ceiling, waiting for it to pass. I let myself cry as much as I need to and as often as I need to. I get up and turn on the TV, desperately trying to focus on anything other than my chaotic mind. But nothing really works.
If someone asked me to describe how I feel in the moment the only word that would spring to mind is overwhelmed. Usually, there are so many thoughts and feelings swimming around my head that I can’t grasp any of them.
It would make day-to-day life easier if I knew what my own personal triggers were, but truthfully, I’m not even sure there are any. Maybe it’s a build-up of emotions and thoughts that I haven’t paid close attention to. Or maybe it’s an imbalance that I have very little control over.
Regardless of the exact cause, I’m aware of one thing only: it will pass. Maybe not today or tomorrow or even the day after, but I will wake up one morning and feel great relief.
I will feel lighter, happier, and have a slightly better outlook on life.
So while I’m waiting for the clouds to pass I will try to remember to be kind to myself and my mind. It’s time for me to recharge and come back stronger than before.