Dealing with grief
Before the pandemic, my life was going almost perfect. Switching between Work and home with negligible complaints and regrets in life. Then life stopped abruptly.
I lost my mother last year a day prior to lockdown. It was difficult and suffocating. My whole world shattered. I was in extreme shock as she left us just being sick for two days with no major ailments. Strangely, I felt nothing afterwards.
There was an awkward silence with screams in my ears. I could not cry but do not know why. Maybe I was fully traumatized. Or maybe, this personal loss was too difficult to deal with. With no socialization possible at all, I could not mourn. Mourning was important but the situation was unfavourable. I knew what grief was; a feeling of intense sadness that occurs due to someone’s death.
However, I understood the meaning when I went through this intense situation. That grief found a home in me and resided for months. It suffocated me, ate me up from inside. I had anxieties, insomnia, not-so-often panic attacks but major ones. There was no place to go to exhale out, to scream, to cry being bound at my own place.
It took me a year to let out my grief in bits and pieces. It is still in continuation. But I feel comparatively better now. Life becomes unfair at times leaving no answers and options for us except to move on. Of course, finding my way back to life was a huge task. It still is. I am sure, people who have suffered personal losses during this pandemic would be able to relate to this.
Though I cannot stop missing her, yet I am working hard on putting myself together to make her proud in whatever way possible. People can let their grief out as soon as possible for as long as they wish because there is no standard grieving phrase of time. But avoid giving grief a residence inside you. The more time you will take to let it out, the more complicated it will leave you.