I have this thing called BPD
I go through life with all of these feelings that I don’t understand,
like a war of emotions inside my head.
I look around at others,
at how they express themselves and how they react to others and it just isn’t the same as the way I do.
I cry harder,
love more intensely,
hate more passionately,
need more and usually all of these things in the same day.
Either ecstatic or consumed by such darkness that I don’t believe that light ever existed.
One day controlled by a manic episode and the next desperate, raw depression.
And then there’s my favourite person, who I’ve put in control of all of those emotions.
They didn’t ask for it and I didn’t choose but I look to them for advice, validation and approval.
I give them the power to make me or break me.
My very existence relies on every word they say.
My brain logically understands that this isn’t a healthy way to live but my emotions can’t control it.
Being hyper-aware of the fact that I could be abandoned at any moment.
Having a constantly changing identity,
not understanding who I am as a human,
not knowing what I should be doing with my life,
being confused about my reality.
Getting into bed at the end of the day and overthinking every move and word of the people I’ve been in contact with that day.
Falling asleep then having to do it all again.