CPTSD Fight Flight Or Freeze During Holidays…

man standing in front of the window
man standing in front of the window
Photo by: Sasha Freemind/Unsplash

My mum always called me a drama queen as a child. Admittedly I did have some meltdowns. However, as an adult, I have understood my complex post-traumatic disorder. 

Research has shown that babies during pregnancy can pick up on mothers emotions and feelings. Therefore, some babies are known to have been born with an Enlarged amygdala. 

Specialist Dr Ruden has shown that children are being born with PTSD. Unfortunately, in my case, I believe this to be very true. 

As a child I had constant anxiety, I would hear an ambulance go past school and wonder if my mother was okay at home. Instead of playing with the other children, I was mostly alone or next to my mum. I am unsure why. I have had problems with relationships, jobs, and I was sheltered by my ex.

I have severe abandonment issues which I am working on. It is very sad to be an adult with this disorder, I want to heal for my children’s sake. It is interesting to note that anxieties and stress are picked up in the womb. My mum a young 24-year-old alone in London must have felt scared and afraid of having a child. 

With not many friends plus moving to a new area as well and having two jobs, it is not surprising that I absorbed her anxieties. However, my mum is in denial of my CPTSD and Just expects me to snap out of it. CPTSD is a long term illness and holidays are highly triggering. I could have seen my mum had a meal but my mind and body went into freeze mode. 

This literally means that I cannot get out of bed, I couldn’t sleep or eat, and I felt totally alone. Abandonment issues are not fun to deal with, but I am using the Havening technique to get better, and I am healing my inner child and letting her know that she is safe. It is funny that childhood really impacts adulthood. This is why it is important for adults to be good role models and to show their children love and care. 

As the holidays subside, I breathe a sigh of relief. My morning routines and nighttime routines have to stay rigid as otherwise I can be triggered, and it is not good. Luckily, studying and my assignments helps me to keep busy and occupied. It is hard when all you see is darkness to find the light, however, you must be able to come back stronger and able to face CPTSD, which in itself is a daily battle.

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