CPTSD & Lockdown

man standing in front of the window
man standing in front of the window
Photo by: Sasha Freemind/Unsplash

For those of us with CPTSD, lockdown has been a rather strange affair. At first, I had a breakdown when I saw the empty shelves that were no longer filled with toilet rolls. 

The voice of my ex was in my head, I went into fight v flight. I called him even though he had a restraining order against him. What was I thinking? Having CPTSD is difficult, you can have so many triggers. From seeing a Bed and Breakfast. To things such as being unable to get onto trains. Most people with regular mental health take these things they can do for granted. However, I cannot. Having CPTSD during lockdown has been challenging. 

It is lying down for a nap and having recurring nightmares. Having mistrust issues. The struggle has got worse with the never ending news cycle of Covid, it is a possible trigger. Each day, I just try to spend as much as I can pretending that everything is okay. Keeping busy with Avon, poetry assignments. 

The new virtual way for open mic events is zoom. It is not the same as a regular open mic. I find this helps my CPTSD reading my raw poetry for those with ears to listen. This is what living with CPTSD during a pandemic is like- both a mental struggle and a distraction. If I can write this to help someone else who is struggling then I hope it helps.

My saving grace has been my Masters in Creative Writing, poetry, my cats and of course dog grooming. It is an essential service – we cannot let the dog’s fur get matted again. It is cruel for the dog, that’s what my mum, whose Director at Doggy in the Window tells me. So for animals, poetry and creativity, there is. Indeed hope for those of us with CPTSD.

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